Marital separation: Experience and identity work

Marital separation is an experience that is difficult to understand, both for those who are separated and for family researchers interested in the phenomenon of separation. There are few norms for appropriate behavior between separated spouses. At the same time, the state of being separated exposes an individual to potential stigma. Unlike marriage, which brings with it the new but easily understood self-concept of husband or wife, or divorce which returns a married person to the experience of being single, separation does not have a commonly understood status that people can use in making sense of the disruption they may be experiencing. This dissertation represents an effort to better understand how persons who are going through separation make sense of their experiences by examining separation narratives, or storied accounts, told by persons who are or have been separated. Three separation accounts are analyzed in depth both linguistically and thematically to show how individual accounts draw upon personal circumstances and socially understood expectations to establish a preferred self which can be defended from negative assessment. These three accounts, together with seven others, are then analyzed to determine whether a more general typology of separated selves can be seen. Although each account is by nature unique, separated persons tend to construct one or more separated selves that can be identified as one of several possible types. The never married self requires that the teller claim that the marriage was never emotionally real. The still married self allows the teller to claim a married identity regardless of practical or legal status to the contrary. The contingent spouse identity leaves open possibility for reconciliation by outlining specific occurrences or conditions under which the marriage might continue. The enduring spouse identity requires that the teller establish a lengthy pattern of unrewarded effort both during the marriage and after separation. Finally, the compassionate ex identity permits the separated individual to cast him or herself as noble and strong by focusing on forgiveness and avoiding lengthy expressions of anger or detailed descriptions of the partner's faults.